Assalamualaikum w.b.t..
This entry is not a negative one. Calm down people. He he he.
I write this entry because this evening my supervisor suddenly said, "you must have a boyfriend right? I'm really sure you have!"
I laugh loudly (gosh, i love laughing, i need to be more modest, uhuk) to her saying. I said to her while smiling, "why dont you believe me? i really dont have one, i never had one"
She replied, "you're lying, all the trainees who came here before have a boyfriend, except wana n ika. I'm sure you have one right?!"
I laughed again and walked slowly to the front door. There were two other staffs there.
They also said that i have a boyfriend.
But the other staff, the oldest one, age 46 said, "how can a man become your boyfriend, they are afraid to even go near you". Ha ha ha. That was quite a brave comment. Nope, i dont have any hard feeling by that statement, but it makes me wondering, "is that really the reason why i dont have a boyfriend?"
For your information, this evening conversation was not my first encounter regarding that matter. I've been to other branches in Kelantan, almost all the staffs did not believe that i am single.
As for me, i've seen all kind of friends, the one who is so beautiful, charming, normal body size, speaks well, dress well or my friends who is not that charming, quite fat, wearing a usual comfortable clothes...they got a boyfriend.
The thing is. I conclude and actually believe that, the first thing a man sees in a woman is their appearance. Then, there come attitude, manner, the way we blend in a crowd also matters. Other points such as religions, wealth, level of education, health, family are just the something act as additional ingredients.
And the bad thing is, i dont have that. I was born quite brown(yes brown, not black), and i enjoy eating, so i'm quite fat. Some says i'm not that fat. I look normal. Some says, my skeleton is naturally big, making me look bigger. But the thing is when i count my BMI, it exceed 30. So i'm officially more than obese. Yes you read it right. I'm obese!!!!
Then, lets talk about attitude. I'm really a not good human being. I always have bad thoughts. I judge others in my mind(i dont say it out loud). I dont really like going out in a big crowd. Because i'm so used to be left out. For example, if there are 5 of us, i'm so used to walk alone in the back to give way to others. It just works that way naturally. I dont talk much in a group more than 3 people. I just dont. So i choose to be quiet. Is that why, i'm being left out? I guess so. Other things are, i think i'm a person who never forget what bad things other people did to me. It causes me to hold grudge. It let me have something in my mind, saying, "she did that to you, always remember that" . But then i saw a quote saying, "ALWAYS FORGIVE, BUT NEVER FORGET" then i realized, i'm doing the right thing.
Sometimes, i dont understand my own feeling. Sometimes i think, i should care of other's feeling. But the result? I'm the one who is hurt. Sometimes i sacrifice things, but then i feel not appreciated. Sometimes i think i dont deserve to be loved by anybody, because i lack in many ways. Sometimes i feel like wanting to be loved by someone, someone to share, someone to cuddle, someone to live forever with, someone who always stand beside me in any situation(if i'm on the right side), be with me, when i'm up to the sky or down to the earth. Be with someone who can protect me, listen to my words...errr..macam mengada la pulak..
Dahla..aku mengantuk.. dah pukul 1 pagi dah. Esok kerja hokeyy..goodnight..
Let mr.brain appear in my dream again okey!!!??
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